I loved Diane Setterfield’s The Thirteenth Tale when I read it as a teenager.

Which is impressive because teenagers hate everything. Except angst. That’s what keeps them alive. Speaking from experience here.

So when I heard she had a new book coming out finally, I knew I had to read it. It was a long time coming, but you know what? Good things are worth waiting for. Or that’s what everyone always tells me, because as it turns out, I am not good at waiting. Who would’ve guessed the girl with ADHD would have trouble with that? Shocking, I know.

Once Upon A River sets up a dark, mysterious story that heralds back to all the folktales of my childhood, with writing that’s enchanting and easy to read.

*Thank you to NetGalley and Atria/Emily Bestler Books for an eARC of this in exchange for an honest, unbiased review*

❧ The prose has a folktale feel to it, which was easy to read and flowed right along.

The cadence was lovely, and even though it has a historic setting and feel to it, the flow felt natural. It fit right in nicely with other folktales. I actually considered DNFing the book a couple times, but it was just so easy to read, and once I started with it, I fell into a nice flow where the story just carried me along like a river.

That’s right, I said it. This review will be riddled with really lame and potentially punny water comparisons, because I can. Which is the perfect reason for doing anything that’s worth doing. So strap in!

❧ Ms. Setterfield maintains her position as a brilliant mystery writer by delivering a mystery that was drawn out but engaging.

Just when I thought I had things solved, nope, there was another twist. One that didn’t feel contrived, necessarily, but we readers learn with the characters. And sometimes characters are slow at picking things up. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Once Upon A River also has a deliciously eerie vibe of something being just around the river bend (see what I did there? *snickers*). So despite wanting to put the book down at times, I just couldn’t wait to see what was going to happen next and how things would turn out.

Nothing like being held hostage by a good book. It’s the only acceptable and legal hostage situation. Maybe even encouraged.

❧ Despite whatever issues I had with it, and the few times I considered DNFing it, by the time I finished reading, I had the warm tingles of having read a masterpiece.

You know that feeling, right? You close a book and it just percolates. Bubbling in your mind, if you will. You just know it’s something that’ll keep swirling there long after you’ve finished. Well, Once Upon A River certainly did that for me. The ending was so satisfying, and a happily ever after in its own right, which was refreshing and fit the vibe nicely.

Did I love every bit of it? No. But did I love it overall? Heck yes.

It feels like it could easily become a sort of timeless classic of its own, hearkening back to all the classics I enjoyed reading as a teenager.

❧ The river made one heck of a theme, and I loved every bit of it.

Let it not be said that Ms. Setterfield can’t write themes! There were plenty of times I felt the mention of the river to be tedious, I admit, but obviously, it played a very important part in the story. It actually almost became like a character in itself, and I really enjoyed that aspect of it.

If the river’s a character, it needs a name. Something really noble, like Stavros. That’s it, the Thames is now named Stavros.

❧ All the (very many) threads of story tie together at the end AND IT IS GLORIOUS.

I mean, I can’t spoil anything, because trust me, the journey really is most of the pleasure here, but man, that ending. Things started going sideways during part two, but I hadn’t quite expected where it ended up, and I love that in books.

❧ The magical realism is so on point that it ended up giving me goosebumps.

I’ve read good magic realism books. I’ve read bad ones. This one was fantastic. To the point where I’m not even sure what’s real and what isn’t in some instances, which was sort of the point. I get to form my own conclusions. Being the opinionated person I am, I approve of this. Because, if I’m honest, that’s all I was going to do anyway.

The open-endedness of this was so well done, and the not knowing 100% for sure only added to the creepy vibe of the story.

Actually, I’m glad I don’t know. The story is even stronger for leaving as many things vague as it did, in my opinion, which is something I don’t often say.

❧ The story meanders A LOT, and I skimmed quite a bit, accordingly.

For those of you who absolutely adore getting a very detailed, clear picture of the backdrop of a story, boy, have I got good news for you. It’s arrived! This is your book! Go now and read it.

For the rest of you who are still here, who, like me, really don’t need a history for every stream and building and hillside, well, I have bad news.

Not gonna lie, I completely lost track of the plot in quite a few places, because so much time was spent on seemingly insignificant buildings and settings and people. There’s even a whole chapter, in the first quarter of the book, dedicated to describing the river and its tributaries.

Did you guess that I skipped it? Yup, I did. I mean, I gave it a page, so I put in the effort. But really, how much can be said about a river? It’s cold, it’s sometimes angry, and when it gets together with its friends on rainy days, it doesn’t always stay in its place. MOVING ON!

❧ There are SO MANY CHARACTERS. By a quarter of the way in, I gave up on actually being able to remember everyone’s names, their stories, and how they fit in with each other.

Names are overrated, anyway, when you stop to think about it. In the end, I just started referring to them as their defining characteristics:

• Female Jesus
• Dull boy who can’t tell stories
• His parents, the innkeepers
• She-doctor
• Mysterious beat up boat man/photographer
• Woman who lost her daughter and her mind
• Her husband, old man who married a child
• Drunkard 1, 2, and 3 (fondly dubbed Curly, Larry, and Mo)
• No, I can’t tell those three apart …
• Token big black man
• His wife, the white lady with an eyepatch and a limp
• Pretty sure she’s not a pirate, but who knows
• Their son, the miscreant

There’s a lot of people, is what I’m saying. Too many for me, certainly, and each with their own backstory and plot and arc. I kept track of virtually none of them as they all came and went randomly.

Now, their stories all tied up in the end, yes, but I found myself having to go back pages to see when characters were introduced, who the heck they were, and what their story was again. At one point, a guy randomly popped up as getting married and I felt like I was supposed to know him, but I had no idea! I mean, eventually, after re-reading parts, I figured out it was Curly. Or Larry. Or Moe. I mean, at least I narrowed it down to three, right?

The early chapters jumped from person to person with nothing really connecting them except that, at the end of their chapter, they all have this overwhelming feeling that something is about to happen.

YES, for the sake of this book, please. Something. Anything. Me trying to follow the plot between all these random people for the first half of the book:

❧ If babies were even half as easy to make as this book suggests, I’d have about 20 of them by now.

And then I would’ve had to resort to drowning at least half of them, and what sort of post-apocalyptic, chaotic world would we live in then?!

In all fairness, I understand that it’s supposed to be part of the mysticism and magical realism, but seriously, everyone has sex once and is pregnant, and I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works a good portion of the time. Because … science?

Have you read Once Upon A River yet, or even The Thirteenth Tale? Do you have any good river puns that I missed? I’m all ears!