Unique Ways to Become a Federal Criminal

Posted December 10, 2019 by Sammie in #amreading, book review, five stars, nonfiction, top ten tuesdays / 36 Comments

For everyone who has ever wanted to both walk on the wild side but also off the beaten path … this is for you.

Working at a library, I sometimes see some crazy titles go through, and so when How to Become a Federal Criminal popped up in our new section, it caught my eye. Along with the eye of several patrons. After having multiple conversations about the title, I caved and checked it out, and wow am I glad I did.

Today’s Top Ten Tuesday is a freebie post, so I thought it’d be fun to share some fun, creative ways to become a federal criminal.

Unfortunately, this only applies to the United States, so those of you in other countries will have an additional step to becoming a criminal. But on the plus side, you can totally just skip off back to your country and I’m sure it’ll be fine, so that’s a luxury the rest of us don’t have, yeah?

All the images and quotes below come from How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender by Mike Chase, who also tweets @CrimeADay.

I had so much fun reading this book that I just wanted to share it with everyone, and what better way than a Top Ten Tuesday? Is this where I put in a disclaimer that this is all humor and parody and I don’t recommend anyone do any of these, let alone become an actual criminal? Because real criminals don’t get caught.

I should also probably apologize for the quality of the photos. I tried. Really. But I ended up having to write this last minute, so I just didn’t have time to properly scan them and make them look all fancy. I was hoping for a nice day to take photos outside, but … that also didn’t happen, since it’s been raining and overcast for the past forever. So … you suffer phone pictures. I apologize. I feel like they fit my theme of chaos and procrastination, though, so I’m totally on brand, right? That’s what I’m going with.

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Abandoning Mail



I decided to start with something a bit easier and simpler, for those who want to commit a crime but would rather not venture too far away from home or get too crazy about it. This is nice, succinct, simple, and won’t even take more than 15 minutes, so it’s quite time efficient, too. Could there be a better way to dip your toe into the lukewarm waters of criminality?

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Mailing A Mongoose



Okay, this one made me ask a few questions. Namely, who’s ordering a mongoose online, and whyyyy? But also … how hard would it be to get a mongoose into a box? They’re not exactly friend and I imagine would put up a fight. I mean, these are obviously the important questions.

Committing this crime may seem simple enough: get a box, some postage, and a mongoose, then head to the post office. (See Fig. 1-18.) Avoiding this crime may also seem straightforward: just don’t mail a mongoose.


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Sell Grated Cream Cheese



I feel like this takes a certain amount of determination, so maybe you deserve to legally be able to sell it. I mean, think of all the elbow grease that went into this! It’s almost impressive, when you think of it. But alas, not all cheese is created equal, and cream cheese cannot officially be grated, as it turns out.

To be fair, this is actually pretty good advice nestled within a federal regulation. Grating cream cheese is a frustrating and mostly futile endeavor. […] Predictably, there are no reported cases of people being prosecuted for selling grated cream cheese. After all, it’s punishment enough to have to clean a cheese grater full of cream cheese.


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Federal Drunkenness



As we all know, the government doesn’t like for anyone to have any fun, especially on its premises, so therefore, you can’t be drunk in government facilities. I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical reason for this, but I’m going to just call the government spoil sports and leave it at that. This book actually contains a whole list of government places that it’s illegal to be drunk at, though this figure only shows a few.

In 2011, a man was acquitted of a charge brought under Section 27.81, even though it was alleged that he left a party at 3:00 a.m., hopped a fence into a wildlife refuge, drank some seawater, got dehydrated, and was found “screaming and yelling and dancing around” by federal agents. He was, however, found guilty of trespassing, so there’s always that.


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Make a Bold Statement at the Supreme Court



According to the book, there’s a statute that makes it a federal crime to “display in the Building and grounds a flag, banner, or device designed or adapted to bring into public notice a party, organization, or movement.” So, in other words, you can’t show up to the Supreme Court with an ulterior motive or a hidden agenda and then wear it on your sleeve. Figuratively. Or also literally, I suppose.

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Library Crimes



I work at a library, so this figure is near and dear to my heart. Please don’t do any of these in a library, crime or not! Specifically, this is referring to the Library of Congress, but I think the rules are pretty universal. Except abusing the furniture. Our chairs keep breaking, so … maybe a little verbal abuse would do us some good? Put the fear of librarians in those chairs and teach them their place!

The Library of Congress also has an express prohibition on urinating or defecating in a reading room, which is not shown in Fig. 6-27. You’re welcome.


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Removing An Organ



While I have routinely joked about selling one of my kidneys … I’m not sure this is a step I’d actually be willing to take? This is for those looking to be a bit more of a hardcore criminal, while also seeking the potential to make some bucks. Win-win, am I right?!

In the early 1980s, a Virginia doctor named H. Barry Jacobs founded a company called the International Kidney Exchange. […] The whole thing made Congress uneasy. It wasn’t necessarily Dr. Jacobs’s mail fraud conviction or the fact that he had once had his medical license revoked that worried them. No, Congress knows how to look past that kind of thing. It was their fear that a for-profit organ-buying program might tempt people to sell organs they’d really prefer to keep.


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Threatening A Clown



Ehhhh … I feel like sending threats to anyone will accomplish this crime sufficiently well. So why do clowns get special treatment, hmmm? Besides, if there’s anything It: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 has taught me, it’s that sometimes clowns do deserve the hate they get. Particularly the ones with pointy teeth and a healthy appetite for humans.

Of course, criminal circus threats have become much more difficult and unlikely ever singe the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus closed its doors in 2017. Animal rights activists have also turned their focus to more pressing matters—like forcing Nabisco to redesign its animal cracker box to depict the cartoon animals freely roaming in cartoon habitats, rather than trapped in cartoon cages. Still, they can’t stop you from slowly nibbling off the animal crackers’ feet before biting off their heads. Never.


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Make an Unreasonable Gesture to a Passing Horse



This one, in particular, made me giggle, because there are all kinds of horses all over around here. Talk about plenty of criminal opportunities! Mike Chase actually provides figures of several different rude gestures one might choose, conveniently, just in case you’re stuck for what might constitute an unreasonable gesture (though, even those suggestions, it’s unclear if they’d be unreasonable enough depending on the circumstances). You’ll just have to wing it and hope for the best, I guess.

To be a federal crime, the prohibited gesture must also b made while a horse or pack animal is “passing.” The law doesn’t differentiate between gestures made to passing horses and those that are merely made in their presence. What is clear, however, is that the regulation was drafted with a total disregard for stationary horses. They just have to stand there and deal with your noises and gestures without legal recourse.


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Zoo Crimes



I thought this would be a fun one to add, because really, who hasn’t accidentally committed a crime at a zoo? Or thought about bringing a cute little animal home? Or wanted to dangle your child over a moat, preferably one full of crocodiles, until they come to their senses? I mean … *cough* Obviously not me. But if you did, here’s a few fun ways you can get into some federal hot water and still have a good day out at the zoo! Though, this applies specifically at the National Zoo in Washington, DC. I’m sure you could totally make the whole “committing a crime” thing work for your local zoo, too, though.

Some parents may learn of the ban on holding children over moats or guardrails and think: Listen, buster, I didn’t come all the way to this free zoo and pay zero dollars for my kid to not get a good look at the Sumatran tigers.


Chat With Me

Do you have any silly local laws for your state/country (if you’re outside the US)? Feel free to share with us!

36 responses to “Unique Ways to Become a Federal Criminal”

    • Sammie

      Whaaaat? It’s almost like you think I’m a criminal in training or something. I’ll have you know, I’m a perfectly upstanding citizen with no blemishes on my record.

      Reply
    • Sammie

      I still wanna know who the heck is mailing mongooses … mongeese? You know that law is just random enough where it had to have happened lol.

      Reply
    • Sammie

      Oooh, what a loophole! My gut wants to say it’s okay to mail a dead mongoose. Particularly if it’s a stuffed one. Oh my gosh, I love that post. I’m dying laughing. xD

      Reply
  7. Grab the Lapels

    This book looks like loads of fun. My least favorite law is “at-will employment.” They can argue that an employee can leave just as suddenly as he/she can get fired without repercussions, but come on. No former employer is going say, “Yeah, she just left with 24-hours notice and we were short staffed and it was hard, but we don’t hold that against her!” Hoooo boy.

    Reply
    • Sammie

      Yeah, that one’s definitely frustrating. Anything that relies on people doing what they’re supposed to is always doomed to fail at some point.

      Reply
    • Sammie

      I don’t know how clowns became a thing. xD Society is so torn between the, like, three people who love clowns and the rest of us that would shriek and beat one with a bat if we came across them at night lol.

      Reply
    • Sammie

      Oh, I hope he loves it! I had to slap my husband away from my copy, because he was about to walk off with it when I had *just* started. And obviously, that’s grounds for divorce.

      Reply
  12. dinipandareads

    HAHAHA this post had me seriously cracking up! Hahahaha I mean… I feel like I need to get my hands on this book now? Even though it wouldn’t apply in the slightest to where I’m from. In Indonesia anything to do with nudity or drugs would probably see you ending up in prison–or you know, even dead 😅But for these other crimes, they’re pretty petty and/or common here and would not even result in a raised brow. Okay, maybe not for all but for a lot 🤣 Love this post, Sammie!

    Reply
    • Sammie

      ARE YOU PEOPLE THE ONES THAT HAVE BEEN MAILING MONGOOSE?! Mongooses? Mongeece? Wow, I really should look up what the plural is for that.

      I think it doesn’t really matter where you live, the book was just fun. The US has a lot of ridiculous laws (mostly leftover from centuries ago and just never officially taken off the books), and I’ve always loved reading those. This one just doesn’t disappoint lol. I think, as an outsider, it’d almost be even funnier.

      I so recommend follow @CrimeADay, because the posts are in this vein, and it’s just super funny!

      Reply

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