This blog post topic may come as no surprise. I love quotes almost as much as sarcastic characters, so when you combine the two? Poof, magic happens!
Okay, so it’s not real magic. It’s all smoke in mirrors and waving hands and maybe a little glitter and confetti (which I staunchly refuse to clean up). Still, something undeniably wondrous happens when the two come together like Voltron. It’s just absolutely *chef’s kiss*
Today’s Top Ten Tuesday is favorite book quotes. I’ve decided to spin it to include sarcastic characters, though, for a little added fun.
“But Sammie,” I hear you gasp, “You? Sarcastic characters?! Whaaaat?”
Okay, that’s probably a little melodramatic. I’m sure it’s no surprise at all that my favorite characters are sarcastic ones. They make for the best quotes, the ones that make me laugh or snort out loud unapologetically. I feel like 2020 needs more of that.
So I hope these quotes at least lighten your mood a little bit!
The Gilded Wolves
“Honestly. Who looks at a vase covered in bull testicles and says, ‘You. I must have you.’?”
“The bored, the rich, and the enigmatic.”
Enrique sighed. “All my life aspirations.”
“The bored, the rich, and the enigmatic.”
Enrique sighed. “All my life aspirations.”
“This is nothing we haven’t seen before,” tried Séverin cheerfully. “Remember that underwater Isis temple?”
“Distinctly,” said Enrique. “You said there wouldn’t be any sharks.”
“There weren’t.”
“Right. Just mechanical leviathans with dorsal fins,” said Enrique. “Forgive me.”
“Apology accepted,” said Séverin, inclining his head.
“Distinctly,” said Enrique. “You said there wouldn’t be any sharks.”
“There weren’t.”
“Right. Just mechanical leviathans with dorsal fins,” said Enrique. “Forgive me.”
“Apology accepted,” said Séverin, inclining his head.
Enrique whined, “Séverin doesn’t think I’m pretty.”
“Séverin, tell him he’s pretty,” said Laila.
Séverin crossed his arms.
“Zofia, tell him he’s pretty.”
Zofia didn’t look up from her tea. “I am personally undecided, but if we’re assessing based on objectivity, then according to the principles of the golden ratio, also known as phi, which is approximately 1.618, your facial beauty is mathematically pleasing.”
“I’m swooning,” grumbled Enrique.
“Séverin, tell him he’s pretty,” said Laila.
Séverin crossed his arms.
“Zofia, tell him he’s pretty.”
Zofia didn’t look up from her tea. “I am personally undecided, but if we’re assessing based on objectivity, then according to the principles of the golden ratio, also known as phi, which is approximately 1.618, your facial beauty is mathematically pleasing.”
“I’m swooning,” grumbled Enrique.
The Chronicles of St. Mary’s
My Review
‘Before you start,’ he said, ‘it’s not my fault.’
‘You’re blue!’
‘Well, so is everyone else. Why are you picking on me?’
‘In my absence, you are supposed to be responsible for my department.’
‘And so I was. I responsibly did a risk-assessment thing-thingy …’
‘Which took the form of …?’
‘I asked Professor Rapson if he thought everything would be OK and he said yes,’ he said, with his what have I done now? expression. ‘And then,’ he continued, warming to his health and safety in the workplace theme, ‘I performed a safety check …’
‘Which took the form of …?
‘I kicked the big rock and it seemed OK.’
‘You’re blue!’
‘Well, so is everyone else. Why are you picking on me?’
‘In my absence, you are supposed to be responsible for my department.’
‘And so I was. I responsibly did a risk-assessment thing-thingy …’
‘Which took the form of …?’
‘I asked Professor Rapson if he thought everything would be OK and he said yes,’ he said, with his what have I done now? expression. ‘And then,’ he continued, warming to his health and safety in the workplace theme, ‘I performed a safety check …’
‘Which took the form of …?
‘I kicked the big rock and it seemed OK.’
There’s a sign on my office wall, which reads – In the event of emergency, bang head here. Long ago, Peterson had pointed out that it was much too high up on the wall for my head to reach and I had replied that it wasn’t my bloody head that would be banged against the wall. I would give anything to have that sign now. It would be something to aim at.
‘Anything else I need to know?’
‘No, everything here is fine. Professor Rapson has completed his catapult and called for volunteers.’
‘What?’ I was suddenly wary.
‘He plans to see how accurately he can fling plague-ridden bodies over the walls of a besieged city.’
‘Not this time,’ I said. ‘Mannequins, sacks of flour, car tyres – yes. People – no.’
‘But the entire department has volunteered,’ he said, tragically. ‘They’ll be very disappointed.’
‘No, everything here is fine. Professor Rapson has completed his catapult and called for volunteers.’
‘What?’ I was suddenly wary.
‘He plans to see how accurately he can fling plague-ridden bodies over the walls of a besieged city.’
‘Not this time,’ I said. ‘Mannequins, sacks of flour, car tyres – yes. People – no.’
‘But the entire department has volunteered,’ he said, tragically. ‘They’ll be very disappointed.’
Gideon the Ninth
My Review
“You have always suffered from a want of duty, Nav. You can’t argue that. You couldn’t spell obligation if I shoved the letters up your ass.”
“I gotta say, I don’t think that would help,” said Gideon. “God, I’m glad you didn’t teach me my spelling.”
“I gotta say, I don’t think that would help,” said Gideon. “God, I’m glad you didn’t teach me my spelling.”
“Nonagesimus,” she said slowly, “the only job I’d do for you would be if you wanted someone to hold the sword as you fell on it. The only job I’d do for you would be if you wanted your ass kicked so hard, the Locked Tomb opened and a parade came out to sing, ‘Lo! A destructed ass.’ The only job I’d do would be if you wanted me to spot you while you backflipped off the top tier into Drearburh.”
“That’s three jobs,” said Harrowhark.”
“That’s three jobs,” said Harrowhark.”
“I’m repeating exactly—to the word—what Teacher said to me.”
“Teacher said that the facility was chocka with ghosts and you might die?”
“Correct.”
“Surprise, my tenebrous overlord!” said Gideon. “Ghosts and you might die is my middle name.”
“Teacher said that the facility was chocka with ghosts and you might die?”
“Correct.”
“Surprise, my tenebrous overlord!” said Gideon. “Ghosts and you might die is my middle name.”
The Ruin of Kings
My Review
“There are rules, and consequences. If I, one of the people who made those rules, break them because they are inconvenient I would win this battle and lose the war. I do not wish to return to the chaos of the old times before the Concord.* Do you understand, child?”
“No. No, I don’t. There’s a sea monster gaining on the ship,” I said. “Anybody remember the sea monster? Hard to kill, gigantic, lots of arms? Hungry?”
“No. No, I don’t. There’s a sea monster gaining on the ship,” I said. “Anybody remember the sea monster? Hard to kill, gigantic, lots of arms? Hungry?”
“I’ll have you know I am repressed. Shy and repressed. Also, I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. I mean, if I sleep with the entire Black Brotherhood, I just know I’ll feel awkward waking up next to them the next morning. Will they still respect me? What if they want me to meet their mother?” I paused. “Oh hell. I’ve already met their Mother.”
Tyentso chuckled. “Bet they dump you the next morning and never write.”
“I should be so lucky.” I grinned. “Personally, I kind of think they’d get obsessive and clingy when I tell them I want to see other cults too.”
Tyentso chuckled. “Bet they dump you the next morning and never write.”
“I should be so lucky.” I grinned. “Personally, I kind of think they’d get obsessive and clingy when I tell them I want to see other cults too.”
“D’Mon,” the third voice said in an unfriendly way, “I understand why you’re necessary, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that means I have to be nice to you. You’re a small-minded, petty bully who has no understanding at all of the real nature of power. If my master didn’t need you, I would take great delight in turning your bones back into the mother’s milk from which they were born, and consider myself to have done a service for the public good.”
Again, a long pause. “Thank you for letting me know where we stand with each other,” Darzin finally said.
“My pleasure” was the response. “Although I’d hoped you’d be stupid enough to attack me.”
Again, a long pause. “Thank you for letting me know where we stand with each other,” Darzin finally said.
“My pleasure” was the response. “Although I’d hoped you’d be stupid enough to attack me.”
The Merciful Crow
My Review
“I’m sorry for scaring you, by the way.”
She let him pull her back to her feet before yanking free. “Well, I’m not sorry for punching you.”
“That’s probably not the last time you’ll say that.”
She let him pull her back to her feet before yanking free. “Well, I’m not sorry for punching you.”
“That’s probably not the last time you’ll say that.”
“Found us some dinner.”
Fie’s eyes widened. “Did you steal those?”
“Borrowed,” Tavin said. “Relieved. Liberated.”
“So stolen,” the prince said, flat. His hand paused halfway to a dumpling.
“Academically speaking.” Tavin waggled his fingers, straining for his old humor. “But I have it on good authority that they taste exactly like dumplings obtained through more orthodox means.”
Fie’s eyes widened. “Did you steal those?”
“Borrowed,” Tavin said. “Relieved. Liberated.”
“So stolen,” the prince said, flat. His hand paused halfway to a dumpling.
“Academically speaking.” Tavin waggled his fingers, straining for his old humor. “But I have it on good authority that they taste exactly like dumplings obtained through more orthodox means.”
Sorcery of Thorns
My Review
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he inquired.
“You used a demonic incantation to pack my stockings!”
He raised an eyebrow. “You’re right, that doesn’t sound like something a proper evil sorcerer would do. Next time, I won’t fold them.”
“You used a demonic incantation to pack my stockings!”
He raised an eyebrow. “You’re right, that doesn’t sound like something a proper evil sorcerer would do. Next time, I won’t fold them.”
“I snuck in a set of lock picks and a metal file just in case. They’re in my left stocking.”
“Katrien! What if someone finds them?”
“Then I suppose we’ll have to resort to the second file. but I have to warn you, that one will be less pleasant for you to retrieve if I’m incapacitated. It’s in my—”
“Katrien! What if someone finds them?”
“Then I suppose we’ll have to resort to the second file. but I have to warn you, that one will be less pleasant for you to retrieve if I’m incapacitated. It’s in my—”
“I hope you haven’t died in there, Miss Scrivener,” he said.
She didn’t move. She barely allowed herself to breathe.
“It would be rather inconvenient for me if you did,” he went on. “There would be all sorts of tedious meetings, an inquest, an accusation or two of murder …”
She didn’t move. She barely allowed herself to breathe.
“It would be rather inconvenient for me if you did,” he went on. “There would be all sorts of tedious meetings, an inquest, an accusation or two of murder …”
The Extraordinaries
My Review
“You’ve certainly thought this one through with your regular amount of planning.”
“Wow. Sarcasm. Exactly what is not needed at this very moment.”
Seth sighed. “I do wonder if your life is sometimes not based in the real world.”
Nick frowned. “Weird. That’s not the first time someone has said that to me. I wonder what that means.”
“Wow. Sarcasm. Exactly what is not needed at this very moment.”
Seth sighed. “I do wonder if your life is sometimes not based in the real world.”
Nick frowned. “Weird. That’s not the first time someone has said that to me. I wonder what that means.”
“Yes,” Gibby breathed. “Yes to this. Yes to all of it. Oh my god, yes. This is so stupid. I can’t wait. White people are freaky.”
“Cap looks like he could use a vacation,” Nick said without looking away from the TV.
“We all do, kid,” Dad said. “Maybe next time he comes over for dinner, you can tell him that. See what happens.”
“I did last time. He laughed at me.”
“That’s because it was a dumb thing to say.”
“Positive reinforcement,” Nick reminded him.
“Right. Sorry. It was a dumb thing to say, but you used your words. Proud of you.”
“Thank you.”
“We all do, kid,” Dad said. “Maybe next time he comes over for dinner, you can tell him that. See what happens.”
“I did last time. He laughed at me.”
“That’s because it was a dumb thing to say.”
“Positive reinforcement,” Nick reminded him.
“Right. Sorry. It was a dumb thing to say, but you used your words. Proud of you.”
“Thank you.”
Dread Nation
My Review
“I’m going to gut them like fish and use them as shambler bait, then I’m going to burn both the school and the mayor’s house to the ground and dance upon the ashes.”
“That’s good, Jane, that’s good. It’s good to have goals,” Katherine says, her voice trembling.
“That’s good, Jane, that’s good. It’s good to have goals,” Katherine says, her voice trembling.
“If you point a gun at me, you’d better use it, because next time I might not remember that a lady doesn’t go around lopping the heads off of random folks, you goddamn yellow-bellied jackass.”
“I ain’t planning on killing the man, just turning him shambler.” Of course, I’m going to kill him after. Nuance is important, that’s what I always say.
The Tiger at Midnight
My Review
“If you ever give any details about me again, if you ever hint you know anything about me, real or legend, I’ll come back and take your least favorite finger,” Esha said calmly, her knife still resting delicately in the space between his knuckles.
Jiten blinked. Twice. “Least favorite? Not my most favorite?”
“You’re right, I’ll take both.”
Jiten blinked. Twice. “Least favorite? Not my most favorite?”
“You’re right, I’ll take both.”
“How am I supposed to eat this? With my feet?”
His brow furrowed.
Esha smiled sweetly at him. “If you untie me, I promise I won’t run. I’ll just stuff my face with food and settle back into a peaceful slumber.”
He snorted at that, and a ghost of a smile flitted over Esha’s mouth. “I don’t hear you promising not to kill me in my sleep, so I think I’ll pass.”
His brow furrowed.
Esha smiled sweetly at him. “If you untie me, I promise I won’t run. I’ll just stuff my face with food and settle back into a peaceful slumber.”
He snorted at that, and a ghost of a smile flitted over Esha’s mouth. “I don’t hear you promising not to kill me in my sleep, so I think I’ll pass.”
Diamond City
My Review
“You’re a very brutal person, did you know that?”
“To you, maybe. I think I’m rather calm and gentle.”
Teo laughed aloud at that.
“Shut up, Teo, you’re not in this conversation.”
“To you, maybe. I think I’m rather calm and gentle.”
Teo laughed aloud at that.
“Shut up, Teo, you’re not in this conversation.”
“Let me get this straight. Someone hired you to kill a lady. You thought she was pretty, so you then proceeded to—”
“Sleep with her, yes.” He nodded with a fond memory in his eyes. “And then I didn’t want to kill her anymore.
“I bet your boss wasn’t happy about that.”
“I don’t have a boss. He was just the man who hired me. But you’re right, he wasn’t pleased, so I killed him instead. The lady heard about it and paid me, said I’m a model citizen and I deserve to be compensated for my services. I don’t know if she meant the services with my gun or my—”
“Stop, stop, stop!”
“Sleep with her, yes.” He nodded with a fond memory in his eyes. “And then I didn’t want to kill her anymore.
“I bet your boss wasn’t happy about that.”
“I don’t have a boss. He was just the man who hired me. But you’re right, he wasn’t pleased, so I killed him instead. The lady heard about it and paid me, said I’m a model citizen and I deserve to be compensated for my services. I don’t know if she meant the services with my gun or my—”
“Stop, stop, stop!”
That’s the work of cave spiders,” [REDACTED] said in an awestruck whisper. “They’re from the mountains, but they started coming to the city when we built the tunnels. They’re as big as wolves.”
“No, I’m done.” Aina turned around, one hand gripping her flare and the other finding her knife. “I’ll take my chances with the Jackals.”
“No, I’m done.” Aina turned around, one hand gripping her flare and the other finding her knife. “I’ll take my chances with the Jackals.”
Hahaha Tavin is such a twat.
And I do really need to read The Ruin of Kings.
Annemieke recently posted…5 Quotes from Some Books I Really Enjoyed This Year | #TopTenTuesday 258
Sarcastic quotes are the best!
My post .
Astilbe recently posted…Frozen by Ann Cleeves
You and I both love quotes and sarcastic characters. Alas, I forgot to write my post up. I probably would have had a hard time deciding though. I’m definately doing the next Quote one.
I need to read Jodi Taylor! Great picks!
Check out my TTT
I LOVE ALL OF THESE SO MUCH. It’s utterly tragic that I’ve only read ONE of these books. WHY have I not devoured all these books yet!? I didn’t even have all of them on my TBR before now but they’re definitely going on there after this!!! I loooove sarcastic characters. The banter that ensues is always sooo deliciously pleasing (not to sound weird but)!!! Fab quotes, Sammie!
Dini @ dinipandareads recently posted…#TopTenTuesday: Favourite 2020 Quotes
I’m not familiar with most of these, but I love the sarcasm. Your post cheered me up this morning. Thanks!
Sarcasm is always fun! Glad it at least entertained you. 🙂
‘I kicked the big rock and it seemed OK.’
The lady heard about it and paid me, said I’m a model citizen and I deserve to be compensated for my services. I don’t know if she meant the services with my gun or my—”
Haha these are all great, but those two quotes were definitely my favorite 😂
Erin recently posted…Top Ten Tuesday: Favorite Book Quotes
Ha, St. Mary’s quotes are always super fun! But that’s about the level of safety testing that ever goes on there. xD And yes, that Diamond City one! Can’t wait to read the sequel because of those characters.
So, I have not read any of these books, but some of these quotes have piqued my interest. I loved the one about the spot to bang your head. I needed one of those spots in my office before I retired. 😂
Bwahaha, I think all offices would be better with one of those signs, honestly. xD Just as a friendly reminder.
So, when I see book covers for this genre, I never think they would be humorous. I love the sarcastic wit!
I think a lot of fantasy tends to be kind of serious, so I totally understand that! I love books that can be serious in subject but still have humor slipped in.
Love a sarcastic character! Great list 🙂
Great choice of books and quotes. haven’t read any of them – must check them out.
Thank you! I hope you get a chance to and that you enjoy them. 🙂
I love a good sarcastic character and these did not disappoint in the slightest. And this is a major reminder that I need to finally get around to Dread Nation.
You definitely do! Dread Nation was fabulous!
Sarcastic quotes? You? XD
I love the Klune quotes! I need to read more of his stuff, I really loved The House in the Cerulean Sea.
Nicole @ BookWyrm Knits recently posted…Top Ten Tuesday ~ (Current) Favorite Book Quotes
It’s a huge surprise, right? Betcha never saw that coming. I’ve only read that and The Extraordinaries, but I really need to read more of him, too! I want to read Wolfsong next, since i started it but had to return it before I was done.
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